Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Crumbling a bit
So Atlas was a really strong tough guy carrying the whole world on his shoulders. I can't remember how that ended but seems to me it wasn't really easy for him to do. Well, I'm a girl and I'm kinda weak at that, so it doesn't take much for me to crumble down or at least to bend my head a bit. Confidence isn't really my best asset. Aaaa understatements... The one thing that usually keept me on even when I was at my lowest was academic achievement. I do well there and so that means I'm worth something; that's how my brain works at any rate. So the stress of approaching result of a competitive exam I should pass is being a bit hard on me. Also I've been asking myself lots of questions about what I should do with my life, in which direction I should go now etc and therefore putting myself forward and estimating myself. And yeah mock oral exams all the time at the moment so teachers judge me twice or three times a week. So much self-consciousness doesn't help my little hard-earned confidence. So I'm crumbling inside a bit. Which is why I've been feeling bad about the way I look, I've had these extra kilos for months and there were never really tough to put up with till recently with all the examinations and questionings... Oh yeah and ankle accident: no confidence on the mat anymore. The one place I usually could always draw confidence from, i.e. Aikido, doesn't have its usual magic effect.So basically I need a bit of support. Especially at the eve of results. I know I should stand this all by myself like a big girl, and I've been trying to do that, but it's not working too well. I'm over-sensitive at the moment, a word amiss said to me can have devastating effects because I'm already on low confidence mode so if more falls on me I really fall down to ashes...
I guess I knew it'd be like that, somewhere in my subconscious, cause I've planned to go to weapons camp on the day of the results, Thursday (which I hope I'll be able to do, still depends a little bit on the results), and that means seeing Andrew. Usually either Andrew or Aikido, just one, is enough for me to feel better. So two in one should do the trick. IF I haven't failed the exams...
# posted by V @ 11:38 PM 
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Friends do tend to be helpful when one feels that way, but no one can REALLY convince you of your (nonacademic) worth but yourself I'm afraid. Hoping my sending you courage and love will help just a tiny bit.
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# posted by 
: 10:23 AM
: 10:23 AM << Home
