Wednesday, August 23, 2006

 

A year in my life


I go by academic years so I can only really assess a year from Sept to Sept. It is quite early to draw all the consequences from this one since I'm still at the very end of it, but it is indeed the very end... I'm already packing for NY and my new year there, so it sounds like a good time to stop and think. Well actually I have to be honest, the thinking did itself all by itself and now I'm just stealing its thoughts, but since they occurred in my head, I don't think I can be accused of plagiarism :p
So the picture is that of all the books that I've read and all the notes that I've taken down during the year. It makes up quite a pile actually, I was very impressed with it when I saw it. It would be interesting to see how much of that still is in my brain a little month after the exams... Probably not much :o
What my thinking has made me figure out these days is that I was so focused on all that work, and on the pressure and stress associated with it, that I'd blocked my personal process of evolution. What I mean to say is that whereas V the student evolved and I learned a lot about me as such, V the private individual with desires and friends and love kind of stood stuck at last October. In the past month, my brain has been freed from all the studying, books and notes and has started taking into account all the changes that did occur in this area. Now they've sort of sunk in. It means that in only a few weeks, I feel like I've evolved faster than ever before.. Of course all this realisation happened when I was in the UK and it is the country in which tons of things usually happen to me at one go but I still think it's a direct result of this sort of block I had.
The point I've reached now is that I want to be free. For the first time in my life I feel like doing what I want, what I want, not what I think other people want for me or from me. So yes I was listening to other people's opinion too much. Or rather to what I thought their wishes for me were. Now that's over though (I hope) and it's partially thanks to two things. One is the death of Nadejda... she'd always told me to loosen up and to live for me, not for any material stuff or reasonable reasons and her passing away's made me listen to her more...
Another is I guess the way things went with studying. Ever since I'd "failed" Yale (I effectively dropped out) I guess I'd been having a sort of complex because all the other people at my high school that I knew had gone to great Schools and I'd just gone to Uni. (explanation: in France, anyone who's finished high school can go to Uni, only a chosen few who go through very tough preparatory classes and highly competitive exams and can then enter Schools. So these are the good students, the chosen like 5 per cent or something - might even be less - and the rest of us mortals go to Uni). However good I was at Uni never meant much to me because I'd always imagine I was doing crap as compared to what the kids in Schools, and therefore my ex-fellow students in high school, were most probably to be doing. This year though, I got confronted with kids from Schools for the first time, I went to classes with them, and I got to realise that I was sort of level with them, which did a great deal to my self-esteem I guess. And then there's that silly result of being 2nd out of God knows how many but that hasn't really sank in yet and I feel like "hiiiiiiiide" when people mention it... So anyways academically I now feel safer and because I've always (however good/bad that may be) put a lot of importance into academic worth in deciding for myself what I'm worth. (No no I've not at all been completely influenced by the super competitive system that rules over France... hum...) So it's helped me with self-confidence and I'm now confident enough to actualise/make a reality of what I have in me and not what I think the others see there.
In the end it might not make an enormous difference in what I do do - except for this one huge decision I've just made as a direct consequence to this- but the spirit behind the decision is very different indeed. Makes me feel more independent, and much much freer. As a result, I appear to be more "bubbly" in life, as a friend of mine just called me :)
You know what? I'm happy... :p

# posted by V @ 8:16 PM
Comments:
Enjoy your freedom, enjoy your new life.
Don’t be afraid of being wrong, assume your feelings and draw the path that you wish to follow. For freedom needs a path to be laid upon.
Freedom is what you feel is right for yourself, freedom is the chance you have to transform the present.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 6:01 PM
 
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